July 2019 – Exit Rights

A Theory on How Targets Are Chosen

How do abusers select their targets? It’s a great question. There are some obvious prerequisites: the targets must be unable to defend themselves, and must lack other defenders. In a family, though, there are often multiple safe-target candidates. How does one person get picked as the garbage dump for an entire family, even an entire extended family?

Sometimes it’s obvious. There are cases where a child is targeted for a characteristic (such as being the wrong sex) or an action (such as standing up for another target). Often, though, it’s much less clear. The targets wonder sadly what is wrong with them, but are sure something must be. What causes a family, sometimes even an entire extended family, to designate one person as a free target for everyone else?

I don’t know of any proper research on the subject, but observation from the field indicates that it’s dangerous to be more able than a toxic person. It’s common for outsiders to perceive that the target is smarter, prettier, kinder, more talented, or otherwise “better” than the primary abuser, despite the abuser’s insistence that the target is inherently awful.

So are they “just jealous,” just like the old cliche about schoolyard bullies? I don’t think it’s quite that simple.

The insightful Issendai, over at Down the Rabbit Hole, says that narcissistic abusers often think that other people’s actions are about them. For instance, if a child does something which annoys her, she takes for granted that the child did it to annoy her, or if her sister says something which angers her, she assumes that the sister said it in order to anger her. Since she’s the main character of the movie, she takes for granted that others’ actions orbit around her.

Now consider a little turn of phrase people sometimes use with envious-but-sane friends. “Oh, come on. He’s not being smart at you.”

Your sane friend will laugh and agree, but the narcissist doesn’t understand this. If a child in the family is smarter (e.g.) than her child, or than she was as a child, she thinks the child is being intelligent at her. In her mind, since it’s all about her, he won that scholarship and attended that Ivy League school just to outshine her and make her feel bad. What a jerk! She is completely justified in her constant digging and needling.

This may be why grey rocking, though difficult, is so effective. The self-focused abuser doesn’t realize that she’s getting no information because you don’t want to hand her ammunition. In her self-centeredness, all she knows is that you’ve stopped thinking, saying, and doing all that stuff you did to annoy and anger her. She may even think that she successfully taught you a lesson and put you in your place.

Medium chill could have a similar effect. If you chatter about TV shows and never mention your work or social life, the abuser may back off because you’re no longer “flaunting” your success and “boasting” that not everyone hates you as much as the abuser does. She assumed that was what you were doing, since that was the effect your harmless statements produced in her.

It’s a delicate dance. What if the too-smart target accidentally says something insightful about the TV shows? What if a third party compliments the too-pretty target within the abuser’s hearing? There is no such thing as true safety when forced to interact with an abuser.

Still, I believe that understanding this process can be useful. It’s no substitute for getting out and getting away, but we may have fewer abusive interactions if we realize that they believe literally everything we do is done while thinking of them, the center of the universe.

The Astrologers

A 20-year-old tells a story which conflicts with that of a 50-year-old. The younger person is assumed to be lying.

A 40-year-old and a 15-year-old volunteer to help with a skilled task. The older volunteer’s help is accepted with gratitude; the younger volunteer is assumed unskilled and dismissed with “You’re too young.”

An office manager has been having trouble with a 24-year-old worker calling in sick for dubious reasons. He decides that from now on he will hire older workers, who are sure to be more responsible and reliable.

There is a name for the belief that the time a person was born determines that person’s personality, character, and behavior. That name is “astrology.”

There are still those who practice more traditional astrology, with many different heavenly symbols in different signs and houses, letting the traditional astrologer create a portrait which may not be accurate but is at least multifaceted. The everyday astrologer, on the other hand, simply thinks that earlier birth is better.

There doesn’t seem to be any real consistency or sense to this astrological system. The same 28-year-old can be assumed right in conflict with a 12-year-old and assumed wrong in conflict with a 60-year-old. How can she be both certainly better and certainly worse? What information does the birth-time-only horoscope really give us? It tells us nothing about her as a person, only about how we should regard her when she’s interacting with others. It’s not about her as a person; it’s about her status relative to other people.

One wonders what the astrologers would do if confronted with a pair of twins in conflict. Would they be able to use facts and case merit as tiebreakers, at least? Or would they have to consult the birth certificates and learn which was born first, to determine which one was just slightly inherently better?

Get Out, Get Away, Get Better

These are the three steps I regard as vital to recovery. This is a high-level overview — there is lots more to be said about each, and several other minor points as well. This is the basic roadmap, though. Without these three things, you’ll probably never be free.

GET OUT

If your parents are bad for you, the first step to improving your life is to leave their home. There are palliative steps you can take while still under their roof, but there won’t be major improvements until you’re out of the toxic environment. Before worrying about fire damage, put the fire out.

Please note that this doesn’t just mean sleeping somewhere else or not spending time with them. I sometimes see statements like “I want to go completely NC except for them paying my rent,” and once even “I’ve been NC for a year and a half, though we still live under the same roof.” That’s not how independence works, and independence is the first step. If you’re not taking care of your own needs, you’re not out.

Some people escape to someone else’s home. It can be a godsend to have an understanding grandmother who’ll let you move in with her, but I don’t regard this as a permanent solution. What happens if your parents convince her that you’re exaggerating? Or if she turns out to be just as bad? Or if she decides after three days that this isn’t working for her? By all means take advantage of Grandma’s kind offer if you need to get out right now, but keep planning a path forward for your own life. You’re not fully out yet.

Moving in with a girlfriend/boyfriend can be okay if the two of you want to live together anyway. Otherwise, it’s not a great escape method. Most relationships end eventually, and if you share living quarters prematurely, you’re greatly increasing the stress on the relationship just as the two of you upend your lives. This is, however, a fantastic approach if there’s a strong, stable relationship.

Be very careful about accepting any sort of “help” from the family you’re escaping. Even if they fought your escape tooth and claw, they may suddenly turn around and offer what looks like assistance. It isn’t. In healthy families, parents often do assist their fledgling offspring, but controlling parents can’t be relied upon when they decide they’ve “had enough” and it’s time for you to stop your foolishness and submit to their control. If they believe that they are the arbiters of what decisions you’re allowed to make, then letting them “help” is handing them leverage.

GET AWAY

If your parents are 100% on the neglectful side of the spectrum, this part may not be necessary. If moving a few blocks away is enough for your parents to decide that it’s not worth the effort of bugging you, you might as well take advantage of that — but be prepared for the fact that they may suddenly develop an interest in your life when it diverges from their plans and control. They may have ignored you only because they took for granted that you were permanently theirs.

For most of us, a geographical divide is a huge help in placing and enforcing a socio-emotional one. Your parents can’t harass you to eat dinner with them every night if you’re two thousand miles away. If you aren’t present, you won’t have the perpetual hassle of saying no and making it stick, doing it again the next night, doing it yet again the next night, doing it three dozen more times, giving in because you’re just so damn tired, standing less firmly, being dragged back more often, and somehow it ends up that all parties assume you’ll always eat under your parents’ control, while you wonder what happened. If you’re far away, that sort of gradual wearing-down is much harder for them, so make sure you have that advantage as soon as you can arrange to move to a distant city.

How far is far enough? That’s relative. It must be far enough that your parents won’t make the trip frequently and won’t demand that you make it frequently. For most toxic families, “too far to drive” is far enough. However, there some hardcore ones who demand that their grown children fly “home” every few weeks to keep the kids from getting away completely, and a job or college abroad can be a golden chance, especially if the time zone is different enough to limit telephone contact. Don’t be ashamed of using such artifical barriers until you’ve got real boundaries in place.

GET BETTER

So, you became independent, and you moved far enough away that they aren’t breathing down your neck. Good for you.

I’m afraid you’ve still got another battle ahead of you.

At this point, either right away or after a few years, many of us decide to put the past behind us, move on, and stride boldly into the future instead of dwelling on the past. For some, it even works. Most of us, though, find that we are carrying around a lot of damage. Because you got away, your parents won’t be able to use your troubles (real and imagined) as excuses to force you back under their control and hurt you more — but you’d still be wise to deal with the damage already done. Everyone’s different, but a common pattern is to try to build a life, only to find old problems roaring back in middle age because we never shored up the foundation.

You could use help. Unfortunately, you’re still too young to be taken seriously. Age prejudice can greatly hinder your recovery.

At some point, you will want to talk about your past. You’ll know when you’re ready. Even if at first you feel pretty private about it, you’ll probably feel bolder and more able to speak truthfully after a little time has passed. I suggest great caution before doing so. You see, you’re still facing our society’s tremendous age prejudice. Most people — including therapists — won’t take you seriously. They’re likely to focus on “helping you understand” that your parents are wonderful people who only love you and want what’s best for you.

Therapy can be useful, but the therapist must understand developmental trauma and neglect. In my experience, most therapists are reluctant to admit that they don’t know much about a particular area — they tend to start a verbal tap dance about how they work with many different problems in many areas, etc. If the therapist won’t give a clear, direct answer about training and/or experience in this area, I suggest assuming the therapist doesn’t have any and looking elsewhere. Otherwise, it’ll be a few weeks or months of indulgence and then it’s back to “All parents love their children so much!”

An online support group with active moderators is the best first choice, IMO. Reading other people’s stories will give you a clearer perspective on your own. They won’t know your age unless you give it, and since most others are there for the same reason, you’re less likely to be greeted with dismissal and condescension when they learn that you are young. A support group can also help you decide what kind of therapy might be most useful for you.

The age prejudice has drastically lessened by age 30. If you haven’t been able to find solid professional help before then, it’s well worth trying again. At that point, most people will automatically believe you. It sure can be a frustrating meanwhile, but don’t lose sight of the fact that you already got out and got away. You’re awesome. They couldn’t keep you down.

Your free, happy life is out there waiting for you. Go take it.

Vampire Slayer (part 2)

Last time, I spoke of controlling parents simply making up imaginary troubles (“the vampire in your basement”) for their “troubled” children to have, when the only real trouble is the false accusations. That led me to reconsider some personal events. Yes, my mother spotted multiple basement vampires when I first got away, and used them to hoover me back in, and tried similar manipulative tactics later. There was one incident which led to my finally putting her on LC, and that was when she tried to use my then-infant son.

It turns out that a really dedicated basement vampire hunter can spot the vampires clear across the country. She started by pretending that I was feeding some unspecified substance called “that spicy food” to my son, who was just beginning to eat solids. This was a lie, and I repeatedly told her the truth that I did not, but she stuck to the script by ignoring that and continuing to complain loudly and often about “That spicy food! That spicy food!”

For the next step, she went to some Indian doctor local to her (I’d long since fled the area) and asked if people in India fed spicy food to babies. She then called me to boast of what she’d done. “He said no, they don’t,” she proudly and happily told me.

Right through the phone, I ripped off her head and rammed it down her throat and out the other end.

I still hadn’t fully realized how delusional she was, but I did know that she was not dragging my son into her crap. No matter what I had to do to prevent it, there was no chance at all that she would engulf my son in that. Without even thinking about it, I drew a verbal sword and beheaded the real vampire. When I looked back during my thirties and forties, I concluded that it’s much easier to stand up for our children than to stand up for ourselves.

Today, as I look back again from age 50, I finally realize … that I was her child. So why did she do that in the first place?

I’ll never know. Since she never admits the existence of anything which doesn’t flatter her, there’s no way to get to a discussion of motives.

At the time, when she revealed she was planting stories that I abused my son, I ended the dutiful weekly phone calls and annual visits. She tried mightily to hoover me back, but I stood firm for both myself and my son. I’ve paid only a couple of duty visits, with my son always directly supervised either by me or by his father, and phone calls are limited to catching up every month or so.

I have been vampire-free ever since.

The Vampire in Your Basement (part 1)

I’m worried that there may be a vampire in your basement. I’m sure I’ve heard spooky sounds, and I can’t help noticing that there is never any direct sunlight down there.

I tell you that I’m very concerned and going to investigate. When you tell me there is no vampire, I say that you don’t know how to identify vampires and are probably under its mind control anyway. I try to barge into your home to investigate, and when you prevent me, I tell everyone else that your defensiveness and secretiveness only strengthen my suspicions. If you aren’t protecting a vampire, why can’t I perform inspections of your home?

I plead that the vampire could hurt your children. When you repeat that there is no vampire, I tearfully point out that they’re only innocent children and you should protect them … but you keep saying there is no vampire. It’s shocking that you care more about protecting the vampire than about your own children, but that’s mind control for you. Good thing I’m there.

I warn others that you’re under the sway of a vampire and refuse to accept help. It’s sad, but they need to know. The others appreciate how concerned and caring I am, and regard you as a pretty sorry case for causing me all this pain with your stubborn pridefulness. I’m a wonderful person, and I’d be happy to stand back and watch you live your life correctly if you would just live your life correctly, but I’m simply too loving and caring to stay on the sidelines while you ignore the vampire.

The other people I told about your vampire problem go on to tell more people. The stories begin to filter back to me: “Is it true about the vampire?” “Oh my, I just heard about the vampire! You are so brave!” These stories confirm that I am very right to be worried about the vampire — other people are noticing it, too! That proves I was right! — and my worry justifies any actions I take. From pitching garlic cloves onto your lawn, to sneaking a priest onto your property to bless it, all the way up to hiring a team of stake-wielding housebreakers to do what really needs to be done, it’s all good. If you object to any of these actions, it’s more proof that you really need my help. If you weren’t hiding anything, why would you mind? You’re too mired in vampire mind control to know what’s good for you. I know best.

Some of my actions might seem a little intrusive and controlling in other situations, but this isn’t an ordinary situation. You need my help, even though you won’t admit it. All of my actions are more than justified by my tremendous worry.

There’s just one problem: I made the vampire up.

Does it make any sense for me to claim that I’m worried half to death about something that I made up myself? Spooky sounds are subjective, and all basements are dark. Since I have no sensible basis for my claims, how terrified can I really be?

Because most people don’t believe vampires are real, the above scenario wouldn’t play out literally. It doesn’t have to be literal to be very, very damaging and to wreak havoc on the target’s life. Young adults escaping from controlling families may find themselves accused of having basement vampires. Common ones include addictions and eating disorders — these play well because we’ve all been societally trained to believe that “denial is part of the disease,” so anyone denying these things is actually proving that they have them. Suicidality goes in and out of fashion, but makes a great basement vampire when it’s available — who would ever question a mother trying to save her child’s very life? Lots of things can be spotted in the basement. There are only two requirements: that the accused can’t fully prove it false, and that it would require monitoring and control by some other party … and by the greatest of good fortune, the loving parents are right there, ready to resume custody.

Once the stories have been planted, “proof” tends to arise. Daughter wearing long sleeves when I say she should wear short sleeves? It can’t possibly be laundry day; the only possible explanation is that she’s hiding emaciation or scars (the only explanation varies, depending on which story has been planted). My spies tell me my son had a beer during the day when I say alcohol is only for after sundown? It’s irrelevant that he was at a wedding; he denies daytime drinking and his lies are more proof of his addiction. It’s as if I pointed out that your dog is scared of your basement, so there must be something frightening down there, and when you correctly replied that many dogs dislike basements, I used that as another example of your lies and defensiveness. Since so many things can be twisted into evidence, there’s no way for you to win.

Some escapees, who haven’t yet realized that they are at war, may try to reassure the “concerned” people with evidence of the truth. It will never be good enough, and they will find ways to twist it against you. For instance, if you point out that you don’t meet the diagnostic criteria for X, you may hear that it’s “significant” or “very interesting” that you know those criteria, even if you only learned them to defend yourself against the charge, and that being well-informed about X is a sign of having X. If you allow them to root through your cupboards and drawers to verify that there are no signs of Y, they will find signs of past Y somehow, and will expect unfettered access to all your spaces in the present and future — if you object to them also rooting around in your closet, for example, it’ll be taken as proof that you’re hiding Y in there.

The only long-term method for coping with basement vampire hunters is a nice, big swath of geographical distance. If that’s not immediately achievable, sincere laughter is probably the best response. If the hunters are persistent, a cease-and-desist order might be necessary until the move can be arranged. However, you should never, ever try to assuage my concern with reassurance and evidence, because there was never any real concern about you in the first place. I made the vampire up, remember? If there is any real worry at all, it isn’t about vampires; it’s about the fact that you appear to be getting away from me. Like everything else, it was never about you at all. It was always all about me.

Essentially, a suspected vampire in the basement provides a good, virtuous-sounding excuse for a controlling person to trample a target’s boundaries. If you let me into your basement to check for vampires, I’ll never leave your house again.